The first step is to accept the way things are....

The way things are: I'm lonely and just come to a realistic realisation that I cannot make it alone in this frightening world. I've always denied this fact....lying to myself that I am strong enough. May be I was....but not any more, life is more tricky than I pictured it to be. Ispent everyday of my life trying to prove myself right, trying to show everyone that I can do it all on my own.

The truth: I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Most people don't realise how hard life can be when you have to doEVERYTHING by yourself, on your own, no support system to backyou up. "Oh, you were in an accident? Well, too bad you didn't get anyone to drive you to work this morning but you missed an important meeting and someone else just got your job".Imagine situations where things go wrong but could have easily been fixed with the help of another human being....imagine that happening quite a few times a year and each time you think to yourself, if only I had someone here to help me out....thinking, it's so unfair.

But hey, I always told myself to suck it up and face the day. I told myself I didn't need the extra hands, there's no problem at all that I'm sick and there's no food in the house and there's no one here to help me sit up without collapsing again. I told myself I'll be fine, I'll take care of me and I did. I've done this so many times and each time it's a struggle but I pulled through...I just wish it could have been a little easier.

Reality check: I need to start dating! So much I don't know about living....so much I need to learn....so much I want to share.....so much I can't predict....so wherever you are Mr. ForMe I shall be looking out for you from now on. Throw me a smile, say hi and ask me out sometimes, I'd really like that....

Having always been one of those girls who was in between being a tomboy and a girl, I now cannot believe myself to be in a lovey dovey mood. All my life, I've been competitive against boys. For some unknown reason, I now wish I have a companion from the opposite team!

Men - I find them fascinating, even more fascinating nowthatI have been out of their company for a while. I now study and work with men but somehow we don't mix very much. Guys hang around with guys or girls whowould bewilling to flirtwith them. I'm not one of those girls. Everytime I befriend with another guy....things turn complicated, they tend to think I wanted something more. Long story short, my friendships with guys generallydon't last since they oftenmisinterpret my friendliness forphysical attraction.

The dilemma is o-so-annoying! Men and women are so different in so many ways, I wish I can learn a few things or two from them as much as they might be able to learn a few things from me. But this objective is so one sided. I wantintellectual communication, they want a physical one. From all these past experiences, I'vewarned myself to be extra careful with my level of friendliness with guys....which leads to my new dilemma....I can never be close with them.

To avoid mixed messages, Ikeep myself away,always distancing myself withoutbeing arrogant. Andfrom this, of course, most people would think I'm uncomfortable around them. I made new friends a couple of months ago butwe hardly see each othersimply because I'm keeping my safedistance...but oh how very frustrating since I really their advice!

Mixed messages....I'll never understand how to deal withthem....

Main problem at the moment....my automatic response to distance myself from all men. The barrier is always up when I make new guy friends, they hardly become my close friends because then things will start to collapse. This same automatic response though....is right now keeping my perfect guy from me. I keep pushing him away without realising until the damage has already been done. I do like the guy....but I can't pull down the barrier, it would be a miracle if he doesn't stop trying soon. He's already starting to slip away....

You know what? I'm going to type it down. It would be impossible to type it ALL down but I'm going to type some of it down. The things that go on inside this no-longer-so-little-skull of mine.

What better day to start again than today...stormy weather, 3.22am on a Saturday.

Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself and about to lose my mind. I am not that close to the edge, but I would say that if I keep going in this direction then I would be heading towards a nervous breakdown.I'm in need of a healthy relationship.The relationships between the important people in my lifeand me still exist. I doubt you can callthem healthy ones. I'm feeling more and more isolated from my family....it's hard keeping up with all the changes going on in everyone's life. But the guilt is hovering over me regarding this...I'm somehow sure it's mainly my fault. I have changed....I should have told them, I should have shown them, I should have invited them to get to know the new me....but time is not always available. So here goes: I'm so sorry I left you all out of my life but you never left my thoughts, I think of you guys everytime I have to make a decision. You have no idea how much control you have over me.

There is so much love in my life....so much comingmy way...but somehow I've failed to sendlove back out. I'm not saying I'm cold and incapable of love. I love, Ireally do. There is so much love within me I'm about to burst. The problem though....I can't express it that well, especially to the ones I know need it most.

Knowing that love is a beautiful thing, yet somehow I've always found it a bit icky. I have this concept of love as something you sense, something you feel, something you know is there. But I've come to learn thatsomuch love gets wasted this way. Sometimes people just want clear cut, simple declaration of love, inwords,in physical contact, in that special gazethrough the eyes. Knowing all this....Istill cannot express them. I can't remember the last time I said "I love you" to my parents or anyone else in my family for that matter. I'm capable of writing "I loveyou" and I have written those words many times before....I doubtwhether they believein them. Saying itis so much more powerful....I know it would mean the world to them, whose world revolves around me...yet I can't.

I feel like such an ungrateful brat. I feel locked up within myself thisway....I wishsomehow theycould know this....that somehow they could feel...I am grateful, always havebeen and always will be.

I realise I create a lot of problems for myself. I'm always in my own way. But I never really understand why. Perhaps I need someone else to be in my way...and may be that will encourage me to work with myself and push pass that person. It's a bit hard when that other person in the way is the same as the one trying to push pass.

Judging from the last 15 minutes, I conclude that I am not incapable of thinking rationally nor incapableof writing properly as I have begun to doubt myself of. It wasn't that hard writing all this down, following my own train of thoughts. But the aim is to be able to focus and choose which train of thoughts to follow instead of being directed by my own emotional self. I know there is a reason for emotions to exist, they are instincts, they are safety machanisms...but boy oh boy do they annoy the hell out of me. They have been working against me, within me, for the last couple of years and had been gaining power ever since.

Call it biological clock ticking, call it hormonal rage, call it whatever you will but I'm losing this battle and I am in a surrendering mode. I hate to think of myself as a quitter. I'm hoping desperately to be able to prove to myself that I am not. It's been the most desperate fight I've had in my whole life.

It used to beso much easierwhen you knowthere will always be someone behind your back tocatch you if you fall. It was even easier tohave someone behind your back as well as someone by your side who was walking in the same direction, who would race you there, who would laugh and cry with you along the way. Well, guess what....I'm flying solo now, have been for a while....and it's so exhausting.

We all learn to fly in our own time....I....have been thrown into flight only partly ready. I have struggled and won so many times before, I kept myself up in the air. What went wrong? The beckoning of the pretty flowers down below? The tiny bees' invitation toflylower along the ground? Something happened and I'm nowstanding still on theground...at a lost of how onearth could I possiblyfly back up. I was launched from atall tree's branch but now I will have to make my own runway and flutter the wings....I wonder how the little birdieslearn to do that. They must have been frightened to be stuckwith wings yetunable to get off the ground.

Well, little birdies....I feel you

Sending out love to whoever is out there to receive it.....I love you.